My Favorite Questions

I was sitting through the weekly homily, listening to the ever wise Fr. Jay talk about the conversations we have with ourselves and God and the stories we tell ourselves. And then I heard this question: “What if the opposite were true?” I immediately perked up. “Why then Joe?,” you might ask. Well, this is my favorite coaching question. It helps coach and client examine the possibilities – positive and negative – to the perspectives we are currently facing, the stories we are telling ourselves, the nature of the exchange we may be having together. (Secret: I ask myself this question from time to time) And it got me thinking about my favorite questions.

Here they are:

• What if the opposite were true?
• What else?
• What’s fair?
• What is the impact?
• What’s in your way?

As you read this, you may have the temptation  to ask “What about ‘Why’?”

Why?, while powerful, is not my favorite question. Landing a good Why? takes great skill. You have to be delicate as it can lead to a defensive response. You must also exercise a ton of curious tone from a very humble position to get the most out of Why? As humans, we naturally attach our agenda when we hear Why? And, on many occasions, leaders weaponize Why? to establish and assign blame and consequences.

When I was training to be a coach about a thousand years ago, we were not allowed to use Why? in our practice sessions for many months. We just weren’t equipped to ask from a point of pure curiosity. Now, to be fair, Why? is at the top of the power pyramid of questions. Its mighty perch is well deserved and if you can master it then you are truly on your way to being a great coach and leader.

You can ask most Why questions using What… For example, take the question “Why did you do it that way?” Now convert it so a What leads the way: “What brought you to that?” Or if you want to use How, “Well, how did you get there?” (David Byrne would be proud of you).

For some reason, What? and How? inquiries are poison to the bulk of the population. Especially those in the sales profession. These two types of questions are the second most powerful questions in the conversational pyramid. Yet, we do our best to avoid them for “Is it this or that?,” “Do you..?,” and “Does it?” In the highly unlikely moment when we do inquire with a What or How, we babble on with reasons why we are asking the question, followed by a host of possible answers – asking you to pick one or more – based on our bias as to what we think our counterpoint is going to say next. Exhausting and seriously inefficient.  

Curiosity and inquiry are what helps a leader drive people forward to places they didn’t intend to go. Many times, though, we get lazy with our conversations, defaulting to a transactional type of talk, essentially an exchanging of facts and answers – a telling and selling sort of exchange. There is always a place for transactional exchanges, it’s how we wrap things up, finalize the paperwork, decide on the next appointment, and make decisions for which we can be held accountable. Our learning however remains very superficial. It’s the shallow end of the pool.  

Staying higher on the conversational pyramid using What, How, and Why, allows us to dig deeper, learn more about our counterpoint, and understand them even when we don’t agree with them. As a leadership and communications coach, I push clients to be brave and practice using these powerful questions everywhere. Unsuspecting loved ones are a great place to start! If Malcom Gladwell claims it takes 10,000 hours to mastery, then shifting years of guarded and shallow conversations will need practice.  

So, lift yourself and your counterpoint up into the rarefied air, the top of the pyramid. When we want to ask something, the less we try guessing the answer, the stronger and more transformative that question becomes. Climb that pyramid, inquire more, learn more, and be more for yourself and others. It’s a bit of a paradox, climbing the conversational pyramid to go deeper with others. You will have at least one thing to look forward to when diving into the deep end of the pool. It’s where the hippos swim.

In the end, you will be and do what you want. And, then ask, does it move you forward? Check out my latest thoughts in a completely different format that merges Christian and other spiritual thinking with my own ideas. I call it “Spiritual Hippo.” Let me know what you think…