Forget About It

“It’s forgotten, we can move on.”

How many of us have been in a conversation that ends like that? 

First, a little backstory.  My family was displaced by the first of two hurricanes that visited the suncoast of Florida this fall.  For those not familiar with Florida and its very distinct regions, the suncoast is the southwest coast of Florida, on the beautiful and fickle Gulf of Mexico.  So…so what? Home to this year’s star storm dance partners; Helene and Milton.

Well, we are living with relatives, specifically my mom, for the next four to six months (ssssh!  Not sure she knows that part yet).  It’s a blessing and a reality check.  My mom just turned 89 years old and so part of me believes it’s God’s plan to put me back home with her, to be with her, help her, reacquaint myself with her.  And then there’s the part where I’m in a “failure to launch” skipping LP.  At almost 63, I’m in mom’s basement again!  The only saving grace is that there aren’t any basements in Florida so I’ve got that working on my behalf.

OK, back to the present moment here.  Mom and I were talking and I said some things out of frustration.  During my copping to being insensitive and ensuing apology, she waved her hand and stated her version of “forget about it.”  At that moment, I thought “let’s not.”  I think part of it was her responding to me as her son for all of these years and falling back on a dismissing and economical way to end a heated conversation and move on.  Often, when we are in an uncomfortable exchange, we will take any opportunity to exit stage right.  Fast!

So, in this moment, I put the brakes on myself and said quite simply, “Let’s not forget it, let’s understand it.”  It gave us both a chance to be more candid with each other, to learn from each other and moving forward, be better with each other.  It worked great.  

Here’s a simple idea when caught in an ever-increasing difficult conversation.  Slow down.  The minute I do this, I can catch up to my counterpoint.  Then the opportunity to effectively listen is possible.  From there, I can engage with curiosity, ask good questions and learn. Learn from them, learn from me! This is freaking hard to do.  As someone who coaches communication for leaders and sales professionals, you would think I could do this all the time.  Emotions get the best of me just like you.  Slowing down allows you to catch your breath and put mind and body back in the same moment.  

When email first became a thing (yes, I was there for that) no one understood its challenges. As a the precursor to all that is social media today, you could say things, craft ideas, be really eloquent, and display your unnoticed genius to anyone who also had email.  You can imagine just how crazy some emails were!  We didn’t have the sophistication we have today (ha!) to know how to behave in this medium.  Lots of feelings were hurt during this period.  Lots of misunderstandings and long-winded stories lacking a point.  Nevertheless, the genie was out of the bottle.  The rule was, wait 24 hrs and then reread your email.  Sometimes you could just trash it, since you were able to catch up.  Other times, editing resulted in what you wanted to say in the first place and things moved forward, drama free.  

Now, try and wait 24 hours for anything!  We experience numerous platforms on which we communicate every minute of every day. So, now maybe it’s count to 24?  Or is it 2.4?  Either way, a mental brake check will do everyone some good and provide for that all important space so we can process what’s being said, learn from it, and respond in a meaningful and productive way, ushering in the dignity that a serious conversation deserves.  (Extra credit:  email a hippo today)

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