My Kind Of Nice

I am listening to a conversation about being nice vs. being kind and realizing a powerful message: these are not the same.

Being nice is about being pleasant in a situation. The first definition in Dictionary.com is  pleasing; agreeable; delightful: a nice visit.  Kindness however requires much more active participation and deliberation.  Kindness, IMO, is about love.  Do I love this person enough to show them they are hurting others or themselves?  Sometimes, we have to be tough to “show the love.”  Alan Mullalhy, ex CEO of Boeing and Ford, called this kindness “management with love.”  What makes his version so provocative is that he would stick with that person through the end of their conflict, resolute to find them a chair either within or outside of the organization if they no longer “fit” in their present one.  

Recently, a leader and I were lamenting their team’s lax performance, and wondering how to motivate and move them forward.  It came down to nice vs. kind.  (Their go-to pattern is reflexively to be nice). Once presented with this idea, their eyes lit up.  I could see they knew deep inside that their habit of being nice was affecting their ability to effectively lead their team to greatness, or at least, marginal success.  Both themselves and their team.  As Nick Lowe sings in his1979 hit: 

“You gotta be

Cruel to be kind in the right measure

Cruel to be kind it’s a very good sign

Cruel to be kind means that I love you

Baby, you gotta be cruel to be kind”

And the venerable William “Billy Shakes” Shakespeare (1564 AD-1616 AD) captured it even earlier. The lyric “cruel to be kind” was likely inspired by his Hamlet

“I must be cruel only to be kind;
Thus bad begins, and worse remains behind.”

So this sentiment – this idea of how nice and kind differ and how they are very human – has been around. What’s intriguing is just how long we’ve explored the concept of kindness, where it fits in to how we treat each other and how it continues to elude us, especially in leadership. If we, as leaders and human beings, have a responsibility to those we love and work with (hopefully with equal measure) to help them get the best performance possible at work, shouldn’t we also be there for them in life? Even if we don’t like each other, we need to love each other, especially those we work with, work for and who work for us.  This comes with great responsibility because if we make the mistake of being nice in place of kindness, you run the risk of mediocrity. We owe it to those we work with to help them do their best and do the same to ourselves.  Kindness, an essential component of leading with love, demands a presence in your daily being and doing.  Without it, you’re a tyrant or a doormat.  Neither of those ends well. Difficult conversations and unpopular decisions are a product of practicing kindness.  Especially when you have the other’s best interests at heart and in mind. 

It can be a lot. When you think about your team, what’s holding you back from stepping into the space of kindness? What impact do you want to make as a leader?  What impact would invoking kindness have on your leadership? These are the questions I ask as a coach for starters.

After all, it’s not a new concept and it’s not going away. We can go back even farther to St. Thomas Aquinas (1225 AD-1274 AD) who stated ‘To love is to will the good of the other’.  See! This kindness idea has been around for a very long time.  And it applies to everyone,  not just family, friends and close co-workers.  It’s for everyone we connect with – both close and far. What would it take to really start loving each other? Where do you start you might ask?  Well, how about some kindness?

Finally, here’s a reference that is about as old as it gets for this idea: “Whoever pursues righteousness and kindness will find life, righteousness, and honor” (Proverbs 21:21) More than 2000 years later, how long will we wait to be better at this idea? 

“Just how prepared are you for greatness? Four months of 2024 remain. What’s taking you so long to make changes!  Maybe taking a deeper look makes sense.  What about a personality assessment from a kind coach?!  Here’s a link to discussing it right now!”